Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
