I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
there is glitter all over my balls
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
