he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
