Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
