Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
