You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
