i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
