hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I forget how to act sober
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
