I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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