walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
People in love make me want to vomit
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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