I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
