I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
