just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
