Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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