oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
