R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude i'm inner monologue high
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
