someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
