I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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