My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
