woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
