doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
