I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
