when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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