I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
