I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
