wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think my fart just growled at me.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
