Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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