Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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