i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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