Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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