Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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