you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize