I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
