So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
