I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
