Whod you bang
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
