if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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