and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
