Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
