We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
