Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
