so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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