my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
