Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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