i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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