im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize