my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
