the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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