my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
