You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
