I could have mohawked her pubes.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
