I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
