I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
