my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
