Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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