I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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