I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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