I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
